Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
