Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
