if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Do you remember whose house we're in?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
