Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
