Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize