my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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