Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
