the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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