This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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