I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
