please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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