Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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