I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
