I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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