I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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