his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
