I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
