You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
