Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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