i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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