toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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