i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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