you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
