He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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