Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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