Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
