why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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