It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
