Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
