pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize