we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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