I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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