im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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