The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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