What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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