Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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