I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
