cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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