Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
