I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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