can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
