my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
