If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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