so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
