yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
