So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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