You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize