yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Randomize
