You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize