i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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