If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
