i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
