I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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