dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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