Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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