The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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