We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
