I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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