She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize