Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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