I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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