So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
