"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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