Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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