I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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