my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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