you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
