1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
