OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
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